Aborted Mission to a Thin World

When I was about ten years old
Obesity had struck me
Then began my mission
My mission to fit in this thin world

I was 12 when I started to skip dinner
I was told, eating at night piles up more calories
So I skipped dinner until I was 16

Those four years I silenced my roaring stomach with water like trying to kill an inferno with just a cup of water. I was starving my growling tummy like a ring master in a circus starving a tiger to perform tricks.

Tricks, yes, I wanted it to perform tricks with its flat shape, fitting in any dress you want it to.

I was probably 13, when a boy younger than me said, “Why are you so fat?”
It wasn’t a question because that statement followed a series of loud mocking laugh
Instead of an answer

As I was growing up
I started to feel embarrassed of my size because whenever I went out somewhere
I felt the glaring eyes at me like I was an alien in this thin world
Slowly, I stopped going out
Two reasons:
Because I was sick of the judgmental people and second, I did not have suitable cloths to wear

The second reason may be a little tickle in the tummy
But is cent present true
It is very embarrassing when an entire store did not have cloths that fit you
I used to notice the smirk in the faces of people when I walked past them in the store
It was not like I was a human
But a damn clown in this thin world

I tried many things to lose my weight
Sometimes I skipped dinner
Other times eat less
Once, I’d even tried hula-hoop
Because I’d heard that it killed a lot of calories
So on it went
The hula-hoop around my belly
Round and round
Like a planet revolving around the sun
But did nothing to thin my round tummy

I’d even tried green tea- without sugar
and my every sweet morning began with its bitter taste in my mouth
I drank it for months until I couldn’t take in the bitterness anymore

It was just last year that one of my relatives questioned me,
“Are you the fattest girl in your school?”
She made it sound so genuine!
But I knew it was not just some silly question born in the curious mind
Because I saw her smirk and heard the laughter of other relatives
I laughed too, I faked one out as I was really good at it
Years of practice you see!
But with each laugh that echoed in my ears
I was drowning deeper in the ocean of embarrassment

Later I had gone to the terrace and cried
Cried for myself
The wind blew and embraced my in its tight hug
An act to console me
But I felt worthless, not so human
I felt like I shouldn’t have existed
or have the existence like that of a wind
You can feel the wind but you can’t see it
I never wanted to be seen

I was called names
A tag line, my size had become to the world
The comparisons to the large animals and objects
Had swallowed my individuality with its large- ness
Whenever I heard it
I could literally feel my confidence dropping down every second like that of a thermometer in a cold water

The embarrassment in public vehicles when you can’t fit in a small space or in the crowded street when you can’t slip by from small gaps but have to push someone or move aside to let others pass are the small moments that pulled me down
Every single time

But now, time  has changed
I am still the same fat girl
But not the worthless and not-so-human one
Who starved the circus tiger
I am now the girl whose circus tiger has broken its chains,
Devoured the ring master and stands strong, brave and mighty
Aborting its childhood mission
A mission to a thin world.

The now strong me!
The now strong me!

If you want to hear it then click here

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