Pretending to Live!

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“I’m always there”, a statement that makes you feel most reassured and safe. The statement is like a shelter in rain. Sadly even when you start noticing holes in the shelter, you ignore it “It’s going to hold me up”, you reassure yourself until the holes get bigger and you realize you’re already drowning. You know what’s worse? The feeling of choking underwater and still repeating the same statement, “It’s going to hold me up” until you drown to death.

No one is never there. Everything you hear like “ I feel your pain”, “I can understand”, “I feel the same way”, “ I’m going to be with you”  is a big fat lie and if you believe in such things, it’s either because you’re living a pretentious life or you haven’t realized it yet and is a self mockery to yourself. People are fake, even me. I have faked almost everything to myself. I used my imagination as a tool to achieve everything I wanted in my dream life that I’d created where people never left me, they were always with me, everyday was a new day and everyone was nice. There were no monsters in disguise. No one ever hurt me. It was PERFECT! Perfection, a big fat lie that made myself believe so much that I mistook my dream as reality.

Happiness was the first thing I started faking. I pretended that I was happy, even to myself. I pretended that I was growing stronger; I pretended that I believed after every rain there is a sunshine or rainbow. I’d heard, “fake it until you make it”. I did and I faked it so well that I started believing I was happy and strong. Everything was actually turning out well. But I was trying to hide the fact that when I’d cry, I forced those tears to stop, pressuring myself to be strong. I’d whispered “I’m strong” but more tears welled out of my eyes and I felt pity on myself. Still I moved on hiding my fears of being weak again because I’d been through that phase and it was not pretty.

Along the way, I started faking to myself that my dream world had actually become reality. Everything was good and even if sometimes there were rain, I’d believe in rainbows after that. But in this process of feeling everything, I’d forgotten that feelings means pain and hurt too. All of a sudden, my Shangri-la was destroyed and I was confused. I felt it was like a nightmare that would go away but it was reality and waking up won’t take me away from bitter reality. I was exposed to the world where neither was I strong, nor was I happy. All I felt was hollow and empty because I was not who I thought I was. I lacked identity of myself and I felt lost like never before. I’d think and think and think but that made it even worse. Slowly I started grasping the truth and realized life shits!! Everything you heard was a lie. There is no sunshine after every rain. Time does not heal every wound. It just makes you forget the events but you still feel its pain. No one can ever understand you or feel you. Those are just statement of reassurance. You cannot expect people to be nice to you and sometimes you have to let some things go even though it’s luring like a ginger bread house because you get invited by witches who intend to eat you up.

Feelings are the worst enemy a person can have. And no one is strong or weak. It was my misunderstanding that I was weak or strong. I was faking I was strong and I was just feeling too much of negative feelings when I thought I was weak. Now I’ve learnt to love myself and not expect from people because I’m the only person who does not want me to get hurt. I’ve learnt not to feel because everything is pretentious, a lie, or sometimes white lie told for reassurance and internal peace that even the speaker doesn’t know if it’s the truth. I’ve learnt to survive because living is just a pretend.

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