Brooding: Dilemmas and Delusion


I am a very confused person, probably because I ask questions whose answers were seldom sought. I am a human being and hence a social one due to which I experience so many changes from physical to emotional that shapes me as a whole. But I don’t get life and all the things that are happening to me and around me. I hear and read many materials written by wise people, I see quotes on social media and the emoticons of people agreeing upon the though. Even I look at it and say, “Yes, that’s how I feel. That’s right!”

But wait, there’s more. There are so many ideas and ways of living suggested that I don’t know what to do. Life has no hard and fast rules; it can be lived that way we want to. Still, everyone follows a certain path to walk on and select an ideology to believe upon. I really don’t know what to believe and what not to.  Some say, “Always be content with what you have”, others opine, “Lack of contentment results in wanting to have more and achieve more.” Some believe, “Whatever happens, happens for a reason”, others say, “Be the change”, or “Don’t wait for someone to do something”.

Amidst all these contradiction, what am I supposed to do? Sit and wait for things to happen? Learn lesson from it and do something myself? Am I supposed to accept that the world has a social structure and I cannot deny that to rebel the rules pre-created? Can’t I do what I want and not think about what people would say about me? Or if my future would be secure?

What makes me happy doesn’t make the society happy. I take a look at all the faces and I see innocent faces and beating of every individual heart but then someone turns my head again to take a second glance and I don’t see faces, I see race, caste, success and failure, I see the unfortunate and fortunate, Hindu and Muslim and I see all the categories we’re divided in. Then I see the fortunate ones in the limelight where the unfortunate weeps in the shadow of the bright light.

Everything that people believe are ideologies and opinions of what should be and how it should be. I admit that a certain rule and structure was made to tighten the buckle of those who would misuse the given liberty but the cob web is growing and it is suffocating. It is making people unhappy. No one wants to be known as the unfortunate ones.

I am torn between all the things that I should do and not do because trust me, at this moment I am a human puzzle trying to fix myself but unable when the brooding in my mind screams at me like thousands in a crowded street. The aching in my head and heart never ceases because I don’t know what I’m doing, or what I’m supposed to do. I live in the world of my delusion just for the sake of not going mad and accepting delusion as my abode. I’m just a confused sad person I guess.

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