Lately I’ve been learning to enjoy the lost lonely nights and learning to breathe when it feels like somebody punched the air out of you. I’ve been using humor and useless talks as a shield against all the anxiety that I feel. Some days are better than others, but some days my armor fails to protect me from the flowing tears marking my cheeks with words such as, “UNWANTED’, ‘LONELY’ and ‘HATED’.
Some days feels like I don’t care if everyone hated me but some days, all I crave for is love. I feel hated and the loneliness grabs me by the throat like a black smoke choking me. It’s a strange and scary feeling. I’m learning not to feel.
All I ever wanted was to be loved and be accepted. All I ever wanted was to have someone say, “I’m with you” and mean it. I’ve felt that warmth of love as the first rays of sun in winter morning touch me. But seasons changed and the sun no more rose or the scorching heat scarred me.
I’m learning to un-feel because feelings make me weak. Love was what I sought but something everyone forgot. I wanted to be accepted but never was. It hurts to feel that way. There is no rainbow after rain and some shitty fake optimism will not change how I feel because it’s just that strong.