Because I love you

My eyes were blurry and heavy. I blinked. Two drops of translucent liquid dropped down my eyes on the small screen where the letters of pain had stabbed me with its rigidness. I wiped the mobile screen on my trousers and my eyes with my sleeves. That was the first time you had hurt me. But I knew you would call and make everything okay ‘because I love you’ I whispered to myself.

I lay on my bed, face down on my pillow. The cotton cover had soaked my tears. 10:35 pm, you had said you still loved your first girl. You knew I would be upset so you slipped in the ‘maybe-s’ and ‘probably-s’ while promising to love me. I knew you would try ‘because I love you’, I whispered to myself.

I was in my class; fidgeting because you were not replying to my messages. The words of the teacher floating around while my head screamed of pain. It wasn’t the first time you disagreed to meet me. I had enough and said it was over if you didn’t come to meet me. I knew you would come then ‘Because I love you’ I whispered myself.

I was going to college, chatting with you. I’d typed, ‘I miss you’ and you asked me not to miss you more. I was confused why you would say that. You asked me not to miss anyone but yourself. I thought you wanted me to grow stronger. ‘Because I love you’, I whispered to myself.

I was starting to lose myself. Every second I thought about you. What were you doing, eating, wearing or thinking. My life wasn’t mine anymore, it was your. It was rightfully yours ‘Because I love you’, I whispered to myself.

I typed ‘Hey’. After a moment the word under the blue bubble read seen. I waited for an hour. I got no reply. I typed back, ‘Hey where are you? The little word under the blue bubble returned but I got no reply. – ‘??’ I wrote back again.
-‘Busy’ you typed and the green button on your chat bubble went off. You were gone. I’m sure he is busy. I trust you “Because I love you’ I whispered to myself.

Since then our conversations went something like:

– Hey!
– Talk to you later. Busy…

– Yooooo
– Busy

Seen ….

-Where are you?
– work …

– I miss talking to you.
– hmm

Our conversations got no conclusions or a beginning.  The length of the sentences shortened to just words or letters at times and things were falling apart. I knew that. I had made up my mind not to fall for you the moment you had asked me not to miss you. But I didn’t realize in the time since then, you, were my everything and I was suffering. Every moment, every day I was crying. You hurt me in one way or the other.  But I’d read that the one you love the most hurt you the most. And you hurt me ‘Because I love you”, I whispered to myself.

My hands froze as I read your message, ‘What would you do if I married?’
I … I was stunned.
-‘Why would you ask that?’ I fired back.
-‘What would you do if I died?’ , you changed your question.

But it wasn’t different for me because it meant that we wouldn’t be together. I told him, ‘you know that I can’t live without you right? So why are you asking? ‘
Then he explained that I was to be strong and independent.

The incident scared me because I couldn’t live without you, ‘Because I love you’ I whispered back.

My heart ripped open as I read your reply, ‘I don’t know’, two days later since you had asked me to be strong, of the question, ‘Do you love me? ‘. I couldn’t breathe. I felt air choking me. After words of hurt and pain I collapsed flat on my bed. I cried straight for 42 hrs. I had never cried so much for someone or felt that way. I wanted to die, every second felt like a burden that was adding up to my pain. I wanted to jump from the window of my room or my terrace. All I did was thought about death because I couldn’t bear the pain of losing you. You had promised to be friends and I was happy for that ‘Because I love you’ I whispered to myself.

Tears stopped flowing every day, and you started entering in the words of pain that I scribbled in my notebook. The pain never went away; I just learnt to live with it. During course of my flack backs and over thinking sessions, I realized that I love you, still but it was just me who loved you. All the times I’d whispered ‘ Because I love you’ , it was supposed to be ‘ Because ‘He’ loved me’ which was not that case as I had realized the slow detachment from the affection that I got from you on the first day to the ones I got on latter days. I knew you were not into me but what could I do? I had fallen into the deep cave full of puzzles where I never could find my way out. I have never felt that way and I didn’t know I was capable to feel that way too. But the sin was made and I have no way to repent but to act that the hole in my heart has filled. But sometimes, I fail to act so well and little pores open up to let misery and hurt enter every inch of me. The wound of the heart never heals; you hide it wrapping it with a band aid. The pores are getting a bit bigger nowadays and I’m hurt ‘Because I love you’, I whispered to myself today.

You were the best part of my life but my biggest mistake too. You gave the dreamer what she wanted but as you left, you killed her too leaving an emotionally disabled person in this ruthless world.

You sent your girl’s photo one day. I said she’s pretty and congratulated you while the river of tears flowed like it was monsoon. I felt the fire of jealousy burn me down but I took a long breath and said I was happy for you. ‘Because I love you’, I whispered to myself.

We don’t talk now and it’s like we’re strangers who know everything about each other’s past but absent in the present and future. You had promised we would be friend even after everything. You broke it. But then you had also promised many things, you never kept up with it too. I knew all along that the promises were to be broken but there was a tiny hope that you would not break it. Still I was by your side then and maybe will always be. I don’t want to be with you now. We we’re not meant to be together. I just adore the love and I’m happy for that even though you love someone else, ‘Because I love you’, I still whisper to myself.





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