How was your day? I hope you reply with ‘How was yours?’ Because I’ve been dying to pour out how my day actually was. I am dying to say that I also need some time to breathe, I am not perfect, I’m not a robot, and I’m a human, an imperfect human.
Lately ,I’ve been feeling like I’m running on treadmill, running and running until my breathe gets heavy and heart beats fast but I’m nowhere near where I want to reach. I’m stuck on the same spot. So many things to say but no words utter from my lips, so many stories to tell but no one to tell to. That’s probably why I started to write, telling my little notebook stories of successes, realizations and failures.
‘How was your day?’, there’s no one even to ask me such puny question.
Hey friend, do you know I went out strolling alone today. It was refreshing, earphones in my ears with the playlist playing on the loudest volume like I was strolling in a movie with background music. I like to imagine such things at times because I can feel feelings I would never be able to in reality. I like to live in that made up imaginary world. But as I was strolling, I took a look at the passerby’s. Everyone had people they loved, holding hands, giggling over a funny story on that beautiful post rain evening street. And there I was, in my worn out tees and dirty crocs, dragging my feet as I walked past them envious.
The journey on the evening street was full of thoughts and feelings I wished I would be able to explain someone; the pressures, lonely nights, the expectations and the want to be able to feel human. I wanted to explain how I am not perfect, my grades, work don’t make me perfect. But this is probably the hardest thing to explain when everything in my life from outside looks sugarcoated but people don’t know about the tears, sleepless nights and tears I’d had over the years.
I want to run away sometimes, far far away and that’s what I did today for at least 30 minutes, imagining my life doesn’t exist and as if it was a movie. Something about it makes me calm but then the music stopped playing, I was at the door of my house and reality check, I wasn’t in a movie and no one would ever understand me, they won’t because I won’t be able to explain.
Today during the walk, in a way, I feel liberated and strong because I can take walks myself, and I don’t need anyone to complete me. I am complete with my dreams and goals. But sometimes I do need my friends and loved ones to add up to my strength, to push me forward when the strength meter on this robot is going down. Then I realize, I can never rely on anyone so I write, to recharge my strength.
So friend, how was your day? I hope you reply with ‘How was yours?’