Reality check on my 25th!

As the dawn broke today, I was weighed by the heaviness I had been feeling since the day before. While dwelling in my own thoughts with the lyrics of the various songs playing on my phone this morning, one particular song by Bipul Chhetri caught my attention. That was the moment I thought, “If I were a song right now, I would be Gahiro Gahiro by Bipul Chhetri”. The song is about getting lost and trying to find your way back, a feeling I was having difficulty comprehending into words. When the lyric hummed in my ears, I felt connected to it and it spoke of the exact emotions I was feeling since yesterday. 

Yesterday. February 18. My birthday. The day I turned 25. I had been waiting for this day for a long time and if you know me well, you know I love birthdays. I am a child at heart but this child had a reality check yesterday. To be honest, it was not a bad birthday, it was actually good but it was different. And it was very difficult to accept the change. It was difficult to accept things would never be the same from now onwards because one of the cons of becoming an adult is people part ways and you can not do anything about it. 

The heaviness began when the clock struck 12:00 am on February 18 and expectations were crushed by reality. It was as if the very moment the number 25 was added to my identity, it gave me a reality check. When the day was over with pleasant wishes and celebration, I lay in my bed thinking. I feel blessed to have people who made me feel loved but at that moment I just felt empty, disconnected, lonely, and emotionally tired. 

It is not a pleasant feeling and definitely not what I thought I would be feeling one week ago when I started the mental count down for my birthday. I feel a monolith of emotions weighing on me, mostly I feel lonely. I feel like an ocean, trying to communicate with little waves I can create with words but intimidating listeners with the splashes I make. Therefore, I have sought the shelter of these words, my companion in this solitude shielding me with metaphors. 

I feel this heaviness I have not felt in a while and just wanted to pour my feelings in an attempt to feel better because when the dawn breaks tomorrow, I no more want to feel this way.