It seems that I see words when I do not see a path in my life. I had stopped writing about my falls even though it has been some time I am riding downhill and cannot seem to hit the brakes. I decided to stop romanticizing my falls, suck it up and live in reality to solve those problems. It is not a bad plan, right? But my inability to express feelings in any other way than metaphors is troubling. I try to explain but I fail to come with words on how I feel. Therefore, I came back to my abode of metaphors, where I can explain the darkness and the fall better, where I always seek light and reason with my demons.
It has been busy couple of months where I am constantly debating with myself to live in present but also think about the future. I have been pushing myself but probably not enough because I know the 17 year old me was a lot braver than I am right now. Ready to jump into anything, unafraid, confident and so much more than I am now. I do not know if she will be happy to see the 22-year-old self and I do not want to question for I fear the answer will not be what I want to hear.
I am trying to find that person. I do not know if it is a good idea but I am not just searching for that person, I am searching for the strength, confidence and zeal that I have lost on the way to fit in somehow. Everything is hazy right now, like I’m looking through foggy glasses but this time, I cannot seem to wipe away the fog, it’s stuck somehow. I know I will be able to have clarity if I am a little patient but it painful, emotionally, physically and mentally. It’s another black hole that I simply got sucked in and at this moment, I feel liked a wounded bird, aching and hurt.
The Black Caterpillar 